A time ago, I heard someone say that if people came with a synopsis, everything would be easier. At the time I came to think that this took away the magic of meeting someone, but after several years and several experiences, I came to the conclusion that it is true. The thing is that we all go through life looking to belong, that we show the qualities that best match what the person in front of us is looking for.

Once in therapy, we discussed the subject, and my therapist asked me “What would happen if you showed yourself as you are with everyone equally? I didn’t know what to say, because for a long time I have lived under the motto “You see and know what I allow you to see and know about me”, I don’t know if it was to keep the mysticism or simply as a precautionary method. The joke is that a few days ago while talking with some people about a similar subject, they mentioned that giving a letter of introduction was equal to giving a weapon to people to hurt you. It was there where I realized that this is not part of my beliefs, because the magic of showing yourself as you are, is to know that although vulnerable when you let yourself fall there will be someone to catch you.

Ineffable… that was the word I decided to use as my introduction. And in case you are wondering what it means, it is simply something that cannot be expressed or explained in words. I chose that word because I don’t like to pigeonhole people into a label. After all, at the end of the day, there are so many things that define us more than just one area of our life. So I decided to live that meaning day by day, so much so that it is tattooed on my skin.

I could tell you that I don’t like chocolate except for those periods when I really crave one, that I cry easily either because of that sentimental movie or that song that feels like home (sometimes also because I’m hungry). Like everyone, I have my demons…there are days when they are so big that they keep me from getting out of bed, or steal my hunger, sleep and joy…but there are others when they are so small, that the universe is too tiny for me. And despite what it may seem, the truth is that I do not like to be surrounded by people, usually, I can pretend to be very extroverted, but every second I spend socializing consumes me, so much so that when I get home all I want is to get into bed and disappear from the world for a second. And although I don’t like people, the truth is that I have my list of favorites, which are those who fill me with energy, like my family, who although far away, we talk to every day… or my dogs, because if true love exists I know it’s with them… and maybe you, because if you’re here, it’s no coincidence.

I could tell you that I really like food, so much so that when I was 17 I spent weeks in the ER because I didn’t want to go on a diet that I needed. And I know I don’t eat a lot, but believe me, I enjoy every bite. I also enjoy cooking for others, and it’s because I firmly believe that the stomach has a special connection to the heart, and well it’s also because my main love language is acts of service, so don’t be surprised if you catch me trying to take care of you.

I can also tell you about books and flowers, and that is because they are the best gift to take care of the heart. I grew up among encyclopedias and novels, so every time my heart feels dull, a book comes to revive it. And what can I tell you about flowers, they are the best remedy my dad gave me to keep away sadness and feel love. And speaking of love… it is no lie that I am a die-hard romantic despite my horror stories, and although it may seem otherwise, the truth is that I am a true believer in love and romanticism. If there’s one thing I love, it’s being in love. I tend to fall in love easily, especially with songs, new places, photography, painting, and sometimes also with people. Of course, just because I fall in love doesn’t mean they can come in. If I have allowed myself both things with you, let me congratulate you because then it means that you are magic.

And come on, I’m not going to sugar-coat myself either, I also have to tell you about the rest, like my tendency to not answer messages or calls, and disappear for an indefinite period. Or the moments when I hate the world and my temper can kill even with my eyesight. Or that I am spoiled and tend to obsess about things being my way. I also have to confess that I have a superpower to cut people out of my life at a moment’s notice, without warning, without looking back, and of course, without remorse. And we can’t forget my hyperfiction, my insecurities, and my anxiety… which lead to my need for control and reassurance (in my defence who doesn’t like to be reminded that they are loved).

The reality is that the list could go on, and I could tell you those anecdotes that make my life seem like a Netflix series but then where would the rest of the magic be. So if you made it here, this is my way of asking you to not let me fall.

With love,
Ella